Over the weekend, I ventured into a networking brunch and found myself sitting at the end of the table with a dynamic, brilliant, eloquent entrepreneur – I’ll call him Adam.
Typically, I find large brunches and networking events scary and uncomfortable, but this conversation was scintillating, and left me feeling high for some time.
More than anything, what struck me about Adam was his communication style. I left our conversation feeling as if I had been deeply understood
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– a rare feeling, unfortunately.
On my way home, I asked myself what had created that outcome. With compliments to my new friend, I identified five behaviors that made Adam such a prolific communicator.
1. Listen actively
At every moment in my conversation with Adam, his body language let me know he was listening.
The genius psychologist M. Scott Peck explains that our failure to truly listen starts with the misconception that it listening is not difficult. We don’t even learn it in school.
Anyone who has sat through a long meeting at work knows the challenge of listening. I am prone to lose focus in any number of ways, from going on a tangent in my mind to spacing out completely.
Real listening is hard work. Consider using a few tricks to keep yourself present, starting by setting a clear intention to listen.
A few other techniques include:
- Make eye contact with the speaker
- Make affirming sounds
- Nod and smile at appropriate moments
- Take notes whenever possible
2. Ask for repetition and paraphrase
A few times when Adam didn’t hear or understand what I said, he actually asked me to rephrase or repeat. This struck me in part because it is so rare: usually we just try to make do with our attention lapses, figuring we’ll be exposed as bad listeners.
But even if you’re a good listener, your attention will still fail you. There is no “off” switch for your mind, and when a juicy thought pops up, it’s going to steal you away.
(As much attention as I’m investing in writing this post, a song just took me on a 30-second journey to 2004.)
Think about how you act when you have an incentive to listen or read carefully – say you’re asking for directions. You might ask the person to repeat or clarify, and when you sense you’ve understood, you paraphrase the directions back to confirm.
Even though you don’t have an immediate stake in every conversation, it’s still in your interest to understand. Asking for a clarification or paraphrasing also signals your level of investment in the dialogue.
3. Validate
In a genuine way, with a light touch, Adam sprinkled in words to show his approval. Even if I didn’t notice it at each instance, the cumulative effect was the sense that Adam liked me – which obviously felt good.
We’re all searching for validation. Knowing that, one of the most fulfilling and effective conversation techniques you can use is to validate the other person.
A few simple words can go a long way: “Yes”, “I agree” and “Thank you” can leave someone feeling that they were heard and understood.
Depending on the context, you can go further with words such as:
- “Thank you for sharing that”
- “I like what you said about X [because…]”
- “That makes sense [because…]”
Validation not only makes the other person feel good, but also shows that you are listening or reading closely and understand what was shared.
4. Allow enough time
As Adam and I spoke, I got a strong sense for how busy he is – we discussed how he regiments his time, and doesn’t ever allow himself to nap. Yet somehow I felt as if he was willing to spend the whole afternoon just chatting with me.
Nothing gets in the way of effective communication, either spoken or written, like being rushed.
My personal downfall in this area is scheduling appointments too close together. When I do this, my body language becomes anxious – I’ll move to the edge of my seat, or tap my foot. This sends a message to my counterpart that I am not 100 percent present and committed to the conversation.
Now I make sure to provide at least double my usual buffer time (the amount depends on the context), knowing that effective communications are far more important to me than efficient ones.
Look at where your own communications are being rushed and see how you can add some space to increase your effectiveness.
5. Cut the idle chatter; pause and breathe
Despite being at a crowded table with people shouting over one another, Adam’s conversation style was slow and thoughtful.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone who takes long, deliberate pauses?
I remember how my former cubicle neighbor, Ethan, would pause in conversation for what seemed like an eternity. These pauses helped me notice my own need to fill up space with meaningless chatter.
Unfortunately, most of the time we aren’t speaking to people as deliberate as Adam and Ethan, so we constantly indulge the urge for idle chatter without even noticing it.
Slowing down and cutting out chatter dramatically increases our ability to hear and be heard. When people like Adam and Ethan speak, people listen.
Try simply pausing more often. Sometimes a deep breath or a smile works well, as both practices slow us down and also provide some fresh, positive energy.
My thanks to Adam for the pleasure of feeling understood, and for helping me reflect on how I can be a better communicator.
Who do you know that leaves you feeling completely understood? What techniques do you use to improve your communications?
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